I have to say, I love Christmas. But now that I’ve said that, I’m not really into the Christmas carols and the “warm and fuzzy” that seems to be everywhere at this time of year. I am more into the “fun” aspects of Christmas. For example, I love wearing reindeer antlers around town. I’m really into holiday baking. I love to deck out my house in blingy lights. I always leave carrots, apples, and peppermints out for the reindeer on Christmas Eve (because let’s be real, Santa doesn’t need any more cookies). And, finally, I love writing letters to Santa.
Usually my letter to Santa reads a bit like a college application or a really desperate resume where I list every, single, teeny, tiny good dead I did this year in hopes that Santa will overlook the drinking and swearing, and I am still ensured a place of the “Nice” list. I also make sure to throw in a few compliments about Santa himself as extra assurance that I will be getting what I ask for come Christmas morning. It usually works, turns out Santa loves a flattery.
Well, unfortunately for me, I’m having a bit of trouble getting the rest of my people on board with the whole goofy-Christmas-letter-writing idea. Boyfriend is a self-proclaimed Scrooge and would much rather skip Christmas all together, and his daughter is now a little too cool for Santa letters, and instead prefers to email me hyperlinks for the presents she wants from the Think Geek website.
Well Bah Humbug to them!
I will get my Santa letters and have my fun, even if I have to get a little creative. This year I decided that the dogs should write letters to Santa. I mean, when else do they get a say in what presents they get? Maybe they despise the raw hide bones I buy them every year? Maybe they’d prefer a nice bully bone or pig hoof? I had to help them a little bit, as their penmanship is horrific, but I think I got most of it down for them.
Pepper’s Christmas List
I have been a very, very, very good puppy this year even though I’m only four months old and a complete spaz. If you ignore the fact that I like to pee on Oswald’s dog bed and poop on the air conditioning grates in the house, I’m pretty much perfect. And I’m really cute. Like, really, really cute. So, for Christmas I would like the following presents please, please, please!:
- Lots of bully bones. Like, seriously, as many as your sleigh can carry.
- More toys with squeakers. The louder the better.
- A few of the crunchy water bottle toys. They are so in right now.
- A new collar. I’m stuck with this hand-me-down blue one and people keep thinking I’m a boy. Lame. I think I’d like one with glitter….
- My own bedroom painted purple and turquoise. I can’t stand sharing a room with Oswald. He snores! Plus he’s old.
- More toys with squeakers
- A swimming pool, because playing in the shower is for puppies.
- A fountain for the swimming pool to make it fancy. My friends will totally be super jealous.
- A head lamp and maybe a repelling system so I can get further into those pesky storm drains I’ve been trying to explore…
- A few more squeaky toys (you can really never have too many)
- A kitten. My friend Rowlf has one and they look super fun.
- More walks. The house bores me.
- A Bark Box subscription so I can get super fun, surprise presents all year long.
- The Charleston Animal Society 2014 Firefighter Calender. Ok this is a joint gift for me and my Mom, because it is firefighters AND their dogs!
I promise, Santa, that if you bring me all of those things then I will totally stop pooping on the air conditioning vents and I’ll even try to stop drinking out of the toilet, although I really can’t make any promises on that one because it’s soooo delicious (you have to try it!). Oh, and I guess I’ll fetch the ball from time to time too, just to keep my people happy.
Ok, thanks Santa, you’re totally awesome!!
Lots of Love and Kisses,
Mossberg Pepper Gildersleeve
Oswald’s Christmas List
I won’t bore you with the details of this year’s Christmas request, but I have a certain “problem” that needs to be “taken care of”, if you know what I mean. I know you know a guy, so if you could send him to my house and tell him to ask for “Pepper” that would be ideal.
I am, as always, very appreciative of your services. I will be sure to bake some of those biscuits the reindeer like so much, and I’ll put a bottle of Port on the porch for you.
Cheers, Old Friend,
P.S. If Mrs. Claus has an extra portions of that special jerky she makes, I’d take a pack off your hands. I won’t write the name of it in the letter, but it rhymes with “Deinreer”.